Two Toddlers

I often get asked what I do all day with my time now that I’m not “working”. Well let me tell you. It’s utterly glorious. You will all be jealous of the amount of battles I separate, the toys I trip on, the bums I wipe and the Michelin star meals I eat out of plastic bowls filled with these amazing crackers called Goldfish. Have you heard of them?

1:00 am – 4:00 am somebody wakes. My 20m old is losing to her sleep regression BIG time, we are currently on week 8 of this nasty phase that better fucking end soon or the tiniest chance that still exists of my hubby getting his third baby is getting thrown out of the tallest building I can find. If my youngest doesn’t wake, my oldest will. She is actually a really good sleeper and an aggressive afternoon napper but she lacks the ability to stay in her own bed all night, I would say 6 nights out of 7 she finds her way in between us.

After the 1:00 am – 4:00 am night wakings, I lay there awake thinking of all the shit I forgot to do the day before and all the shit I have to do on the day that is fast approaching. This can last up to an hour.

5:00 am – 6:00 am the alarm goes off. Yes, I said it. An alarm. I barely have to use it but its there for back up on the off chance my kids sleep in. My sanity is running or working out. I get this super tiny window in the early am for “me time” where I can actually take care of myself. Once in awhile one of the kids finds me and weasels themselves into the stroller for a run or tries to workout beside me. Insert deep breaths here and remember that these two are treasures and I should be so lucky to have them.

6:30 am- 8:00 am is the eating window on a good day. Why so long you ask? Have you tried feeding breakfast to wild animals? They say they aren’t hungry one minute but then head into an uncontrollable tail spin going nowhere but down because they are so incredibly hungry that if they have to wait one more minute they will probably eat each other. That is why. Don’t think for a minute I’m sitting down eating fluffy pancakes and drinking my tea. In the midst of the feeding frenzy, snacks are being packed, diapers are being filled, my face is desperately looking to get cleansed and my morning curls are looking for some product. Oh, and if you’ve been following my posts you’ll remember I also have a dog. He needs to be fed and go out. Have you tried to maneuver in a kitchen with a hungry 90lb lab?

Oh my god its only 8:00 am- 10:00 am. If you thought breakfast was fun, wait till dressing two opinionated toddlers happens. I bet you are wondering how a 20m old can have an opinion? She watches every little thing her older sister does, that’s how. After fighting with them that they cannot possibly wear a summer dress in freezing weather they have settled on outfits that show off their colourful, unmatched personalities. This is where I end up not caring and choose to pick another battle later in the day since I know there will be one.

10:30 am – 12:00 pm and finally out the door. Yup, all that work for literally one and half hours. I mean, some days I push it if the weather is good or they seem to be able to keep their shit together for longer, BUT this is a rare occurrence and I like to keep the public meltdowns to a minimum… *hysterical laughter*. In case you are wondering where that 30 mins went, it was me chasing kids down to put shoes and jackets on over and over, changing a dirty diaper because THAT is what always happens when you try to leave And remember my dog? He of course has to pee.

12:00 pm – 1:30 pm and dammit, its mealtime again. You know this routine, except we are nearing nap time. They are officially hungry for everything and nothing and they want it yesterday…all at the same time. Jealous, I know.

Thank you to the unicorn gods, it’s 1:30 pm- 3:00pm and nap time. Except, remember my youngest is battling a sleep regression? Soooo, there goes about 30 mins of trying to get her to sleep. I have no issue with crying the little monkey out except if you read my last post you will know why I don’t. One word, PUKER.

So that leaves me 2:00 pm- 3:00 pm to get every adult task that is needed to be done for the day. Oh, except my house also looks like a hurricane blew thru and left the whole cities debris. Let me just pick up every single god damn toy the kids own and put it away only for them to bring it all back out when they wake. Why? I hate mess *hysterically laughing out loud again*.

3:00 pm – 5:30 pm is what I like to call the longest hours known to man o’clock. Most days my oldest wakes cranky from her nap and takes a good while till she’s good to go (just like me) so this leaves too little time to actually go anywhere but too much time to be caged up in our house. If its nice I manage to throw them outside. Don’t forget in this long but short window there is meal prep, diaper changes, fights to be broken up…and, argh! …the dog!

6:00 pm – 6:45 pm and thank goodness this is the last meal of this bloody day. I rush this valuable family time moment because I am done. If this makes me a shitty mom then call me what you will. I, however, like to call myself a realist. I have no clue where that 30 minutes went and frankly I don’t give a shit. I have my eye on the prize that is bedtime. If I’m lucky, the kids get a bath. In a perfect world they would have one every night and if you are one of those parents who manage that, I praise you and your ability. I prefer summer: pool bathes everyday, bitches.

We end the night with a nice calming show for about 30 mins and then its bedtime. This is my favourite part.


I hate bedtime and all the routines that go with it. Can you not just brush your own teeth, read your own story, do your own monster check and tuck yourself into bed? You are almost 2 and almost 4 and its way past wine o’clock. I wish I could put my feet up and say I am done till the morning but we all know that is a lie. I get to finish all the stuff that never got done in that short nap time hour and also still deal with a jack in the box toddler who has to pee about ten times before she finally gives up. See you all at 1:00 am.